How strange and unsettling that the thing that has made you whole has also hollowed you out in some way, especially in those early weeks and months.
You feel less than you.
You’ve just been, and are being, the strongest you’ve ever been and still you feel at your weakest, your most vulnerable. How is this bittersweet juxtaposition so?
The task of leaving the house feels insurmountable. What if I forget something important? What if I can’t collapse that bastard pram to get it into the boot when I want to come home? What if we get hit by a bus? What if the baby has a shit explosion in a cafe? What if it’s completely apparent to everyone I see that I have no clue what the fuck I’m doing?
Likewise, the task of staying in feels insurmountable. Look at this crap everywhere that I am too exhausted or too attached to a cluster feeding baby to tidy up. How the hell do I entertain a tiny person that doesn’t yet know they exist? I haven’t breathed in fresh air for days. I am so tired that even when the baby does sleep and I am sitting here actually smelling myself, the thought of climbing up the stairs, getting undressed and having a shower might as well be the same as asking me to nip out for a 10 mile run.
This day is feeling like its 100 hours long and it’s only 10:30am. How the fuck do people do this?
I can’t do this.
What a contradiction motherhood is, that you can spend every minute feeling you never want to be apart from your beloved child but also every minute feeling like you might actually lose your mind if you don’t get a break soon.
Those initial overwhelming and occasionally downright shit scary days will gradually get better, I promise.
One day you’ll find the thought of the day ahead just a little less daunting. You may even venture out to breathe in the fresh air and show that bastard pram who’s boss as you ram it into the boot with your maternity pads and well deserved family size bag of maltesers after a fraught but successfully completed trip to town.
You will eventually feel like you again.
Sooner than you think, you will be more whole than hollowed out.
Because yes, you are now a mother. But you are more than the sum of motherhood’s parts.