Stages of accessing a public toilet with your 3 year old…
1. Get in. GET IN! Mummy’s gonna wet herself!! Her bladder is destroyed and that is not just a little bit thanks to YOU
2. OMG now you’re saying you need to go first?! Just as I’m frantically dropping my kegs and moments after you were adamant you didn’t need to go??
3. Fine, get on then. Quickly. QUICKLY! It’s not ideal but somewhat more acceptable for you to have pissed yourself in public than it is for me.
4. Seriously have you finished yet?! I am seconds away from an unfortunate accident, and you do not seem to give a shit.
5. OMG are you doing a shit??!!
6. Quick get off and let me wipe your bum cuz if I don’t get on that toilet soon I will be using you as a wet patch shield as I shuffle back to the car, avoiding eye contact with all other humans and wondering why they don’t make ‘Mum nappies’ for situations like these
7. Aaaaaaah, relief at last. Never mind why my bum isn’t touching the toilet seat. I have a thing.
8. Stop messing with the sanitary bin! STOP TOUCHING IT. Omg can you use Zoflora on your kid??
9. No darling, don’t open the door. Mummy isn’t finished. No, no, stop opening the door. DON’T OPEN THE ….
“Oh, hi random stranger. Yes, yes, nothing to see here. Just my last shred of dignity leaving the building, chasing after my pelvic floor control…”
10. Right lets wash our hands. No, not that much soap. YOU DONT NEED THAT MUCH SOAP. RIGHT, THAT’S TOO MUCH SOAP NOW. FFS. No, I guess we don’t need to use the hand dryer. I know you’re still shit scared of it. Yes, you can wipe your hands on me instead.
How have we been in here 20 minutes?!